Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.

While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....

YEEOOOOOOOUCH!

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

How do you know when a nymphomaniac drove your car?
→ The gear shift is wet!!

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...

- She: Get off of me, will ya!!

- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?

- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

• Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
• Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
• Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
• For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
• Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
• Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
• The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
• It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
• Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
• Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
• Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
• Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
• Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
• It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
• The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
• Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

• 54 times the sheets were clean
• 17 times it was too late
• 49 times you were too tired
• 20 times it was too hot
• 5 times you pretended to be asleep
• 22 times you had a headache
• 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
• 16 times you said you were too sore
• 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
• 19 times you had to get up early
• 9 times you said weren't in the mood
• 7 times you were sunburned
• 6 times you were watching the late show
• 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
• 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
• 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

• 6 times you just laid there,
• 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
• 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
• 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
• and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

• 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
• 36 times you did not come home at all
• 21 times you didn't cum
• 33 times you came too soon
• 19 times you went soft before you got in
• 38 times you worked too late
• 10 times you got cramps in your toes
• 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
• 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
• 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
• 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
• 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
• 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
• 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
• 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.