Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

What was the First Commandment?
→ "Adam, eat my pussy."

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.

She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."

He says, "That's not my ring...

It's my wristwatch."

An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions.

- Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked.

- The same as the short ones, honey.

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas."

"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "you're checking for menopause" and he says "very good". Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very good".

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you"

What's the difference between hard and light?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?"

"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio!