Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
→ Facing Bloomingdales

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
→ An insurance company.

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........

No?.

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!"

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

What does Bill say to prospective interns?
→ "Haven't I cum across your face before?"

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

"Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21. Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!