Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
→ A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.

When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Bruce?"

"Sure."

"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!"

"No shit?" Bruce asked.

"Well, hardly any."

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.

It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

The tri stages of sex in marriage-

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try-weekly
3. Try-weakly

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

"I call my man 'Eight,'" said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."

The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."

The first woman then asked the third woman, "What do you call your man?"

She answered, "'Creme de Menthe.'"

"Why? Isn't that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know.

"Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

Charlie replied, "No, I need it for my arms, the women never showed up!"

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

- How am I doing? He asks.

- Three knots, she replies.

- Three knots? What's that mean?

- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom, "who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday."

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter."

And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"