Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
→ To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the definition of a virgin?
→ An ugly third grader.

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play."

"I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with atletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!

There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache

He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

He who refuses to listen is lying.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..

He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.

Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.

Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.

"And on the third day..." he began.

"No! no! start with the first day," Everyone yells out in chorus.

"And on the third day, " the private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"