Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif.

He says to the first guy, "As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru".

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.

He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd guy when asked says "I'd rather die than suffer that". The chief says "Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru"!!!

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
→ Mud flaps!

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant.

"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian.

"Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course"

"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.

"I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!"

"Are you sure?", said the Mortitian.

"Yes, come and have a look for yourself", said the assistant opening the body bag.

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris"

"Are you sure?", said the assisitant, "'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.

He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.

Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?"

He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off."

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.

I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?
→ She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie lie lie!"

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
→ "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard".