School — most viewed jokes

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
• You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
• Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

To a blonde, what is long and hard?
→ Grade 4.

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, ".. I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

- Father: I want to take my girl out of this terrible math class.

- Teacher: But she's top of the class.

- Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.

- MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today?

- FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!

- SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!

- THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!

- MOTHER PIG: What?

- THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
   (a) build a bridge
   (b) lead an army or
   (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
   (a) Jewish
   (b) Catholic
   (c) Hindu
   (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
   (a) Westerners
   (b) Southerners
   (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Wall Mart
    (b) Kmart
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) Minnnesota
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    (a) B.C
    (b) A.D.

And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.

What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
→ He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.