School — most viewed jokes

What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving?
→ Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

What's the definition of a Polygamist?
→ A parrot with more than one wife!

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.

As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."

"The parts of speech are lungs and air."

"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."

"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."

"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."

"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."

"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator."

"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."

"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."

"One of the main causes of dust is janitors."

"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities."

"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."

"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."

"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings."

"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."

"In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon."

"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."

"In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"One by-product of raising cattle is calves."

"Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!"

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"

"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.

"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"

"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

- Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

- Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class?
→ They stained it with mud.

- May: What position does your brother play in the school football team?

- Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks!