Religion — most viewed jokes

- Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?

- Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
→ Birds of prey!

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".....

- What have you done Tommy O'Connor? said the Priest.

- I had sex with a girl.

- Who was it Tommy?

- I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?

- No Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?

- No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.

- Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?

- No Father, I cannot tell you who it was.

- Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven.

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting...

- What did you get? asked Joseph.

- Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!