Religion — most viewed jokes

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
11. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
12. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
13. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
14. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
15. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
16. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
17. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
18. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says - "Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No!," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No way!," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Murphy.

"Because," said the dying man...
"I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!"

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
→ Angel food cake, of course!

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said, "... But they'll steal my bike."

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it...

"In the name of the Father, The Son... Amen"

The priest said, "What about the Holy Spirit?"

The boy replied, "Its outside taking care of my bike!"

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs." The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."

The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were."

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions."

The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?"

The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"

The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?"

Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"

The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!" The man said, "OK, fine." and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go?"

The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"