Religion — most viewed jokes

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the Teamsters?
→ "Don't do anything 'till I get back."

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of serviceby sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying onthe bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that thepresident of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theTemple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's yourrespect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her andsays, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens.

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.

"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed.

"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I've never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."