Religion — most viewed jokes

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

- I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?

- For about 60 years.

- 60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?

- I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.

- How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

- Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as an altar boy.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, "Of course not".

The younger nun asked "Did it hurt?"

The sister replied "Of course! He never called and he never wrote."

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between College And Hell

10. It doesn't snow in Hell.
11. Everyone has heard of Hell.
12. It's more fun getting into Hell.
13. You can't fail out of Hell.
14. At least you can sleep in Hell.
15. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.
16. People smile in Hell.
17. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
18. You know there are hot men in Hell.
19. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to college.

Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
→ Because if they all went it would be hell!

A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this a joke?"

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says - "Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???"

Mike replies - "No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'"

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
→ They both have balls just for decoration.