Religion — most viewed jokes

If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...

They buried the bishop the next day.

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him.

"Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved.

"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.

The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.

After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.

After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.

The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were?"

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

- Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket!

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."

The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?"

"No, the Pearly Gates."

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"

The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"

To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"