Religion — most viewed jokes

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"

The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
Ting-a-ling
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
Ting-a-ling
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
Ting-a-ling

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road. The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher. They step out of their cars, and begin talking.

"Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

"You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood."

The catholic preacher responds, "Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead."

"I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops."

"Oh, no I couldn't," replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees. The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly.

"That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?"

"Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come though."

Enlightenment Quiz

1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ........ A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see....... A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?
4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about
5. Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6. The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is: A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends
7. Which of the following is not a name of the Lord? A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston
8. If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn
9. Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana
10. Om Mani Padme Om means: A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry
11. The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming
12. Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13. The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York
14. You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand
15. If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?
16. If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17. If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?

True-False

• Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
• Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays.
• Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.
• The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.

Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.
10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness

[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear," the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

One day a little old nun was going 35 miles an hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didn't go any faster.

She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway 35.

The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said, "We just got off highway 130!"

This guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us."

A little boy came downstairs crying late one night.
"What's wrong?" asked his mother.
"Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed.
"In a way they do," said his mother.
"And when they die so they turn back to dust?"
"Yes, they do."
The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"