Religion — most viewed jokes

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work...."

One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul, I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion". The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest replied, "What did you say?"

The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"

The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church."

The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....

Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.

While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.

One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."

The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"

What is It?
Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Maddona does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?
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