Religion — most viewed jokes

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted, "Damn, missed again."

The nun, shocked, warned him "God will get you for that."

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning "God will get you for that!"

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!".

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!"

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Why didn't Noah go fishing?
→ He only had two worms!

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

"Why are you laughing?" Asked the nun.

"Oh, It's nothing." said the cabby.

"No, really." said the nun "I won't mind."

So the Cabby told her: "Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun."

"Well then, whats your name?" The nun asked.

"Robert"

"Are you married?"

"No."

"Are you christian?"

"Yes."

"Then Pull into the next alley."

The cabby was stunned. but he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to the cab.

While driving, the cabby started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the nun.

"I'm sorry, I've lied."

"How so?"

"Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and I'm Jewish."

"Well, I've done a bit of lying too..." smiled the nun "My name is George and I'm going to a costume party."

In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....

"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said...

"If i had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said: "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!"