Random joke from this category
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'
Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.
The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.
Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.
VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash, Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.
Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.
(Author Unknown)
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas.
Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
→ It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
