Religion — most viewed jokes

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said "Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy!" He smiled.

"Well...if you must know... I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs..." Dolly Parton said.

"And I was going to the bathroom!" Princess Diana said.

"You may enter into Heaven..." St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

"WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?!" Dolly Parton asked.

"Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind!" St. Peter exclaimed.

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope.

The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?"

The Pope answered, "$2,000 per minute."

A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.

"What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister.

The visitor asked "How much is a call?"

The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute."

The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute."

The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."

- Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

- Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
→ Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?
→ Both are food from aloft!

What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
→ He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.