Relationships — most viewed jokes

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

- Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly?

- Boyfriend: Of course I do!

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief, f) Near & dear friend

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm f) Snow Mobile was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sled e) Zamboni f) Ski Doo I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house b) wife c) Mistress d) Cub Scout troop e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d) appreciate e) pay for and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond f) just shoot me but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around at a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail and to remember that I am first and foremost your a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,
Me

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So... How am I doin'?

I miss my teddy bear...

Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name's [name], but you can call me "lover".

(another quarter line) Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt) Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is [name], how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:

"don't" and "stop".

- Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour?

- Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
→ Telling you his real name.

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

- Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

- Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

- Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

- Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

- "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

- "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

- "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

- "He was the original owner!"

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

- "My father grows beans," said one student.

- "My father cooks beans," said another.

- Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

- Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

- Little Johnny: "He gets stepped on."

- Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

- Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

- Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

- Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"