Relationships — most viewed jokes

- He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

- She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

- He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

- She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

- He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

- She said... "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

- She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.

- He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She said... Well, you succeeded.

- Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

- She said... 'Who's gonna look?'

- He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

- She said... No, have you?

- He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

- She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

- He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

- She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

- He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir...they're called bullets!"

The top signs that your net relationship is over:

• All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
• Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
• Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
• You get a Dear John E-mai...
• Your name is Fred.
• They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
• She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
• She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job, it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
• During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
→ 'Your plaice or mine'!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

- John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"

- Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

- John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

- Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

- John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph... "I've got the airbag!"

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?"

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"