Relationships — most viewed jokes

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
→ You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "will you still make love like that to me after we're married?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
11. "Show me how you used to spank her."
12. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
13. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
14. "I just got my license today."
15. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
16. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
17. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
18. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
19. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

- Man: What the hell was that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.

Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.

"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York.

She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment.

"Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

No.

The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"

No.

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer, "Hello, my name is Chuck."

The farmer shot Chuck.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.