Redneck Jokes — most viewed jokes

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.

"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

• adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
• anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
• antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
• bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
• bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
• catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
• cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
• d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
• emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
• fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
• genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
• heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
• hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
• mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
• papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
• recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
• rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
• seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
• series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
• testicles....(n) books of the Bible
• tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
• urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
→ Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:

- I'd like to become the next President of the United States.

- The receptionist: What are you, an idiot?

- Redneck: Why, is it required?

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"

"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.

"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!"

"A rifle? What fer?"

"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.

"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said... "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

What's delaying the hillbilly space program?
→ Development of a working match.

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
→ 3 dollars a year for a million years.