Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.

They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
→ The United States of America!

Somewhere in America, next week...

- Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

- Son: What's up, Dad?

- Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

- Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

- Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

- Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

- Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

- Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

- Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

- Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

- Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

- Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?

- Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

- Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?

- Son: From The President of the United States.

Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
→ Because he went to the hormonica!

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!"

- Are you a member of any organized political party?

- No. I'm a Republican.

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

• THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
• THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
• THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
• THE RONALD REAGAN virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
• THE MIKE TYSON virus....(Quits after two bytes)
• THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
• THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....(Deletes all old files)
• THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)
• THE PROZAC virus....(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
• THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)
• THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

...and last but not least...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.