Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry). Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president. And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds. For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much. Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."

"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."

Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was - 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization.

Ghandi replied, "I think it would be a good idea."

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all year round.

• One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
• Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
• All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
• Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
• Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
• State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
• Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
• A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
• It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
• Drinks on the house are illegal.
• It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
• A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b))
• Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
• Liquor stores may not sell milk.
• Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
• Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
• You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.
• Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
• No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
• Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
• You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.
• "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.
• You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
• It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
• If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.
• Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
• A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
• The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)
• It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.
• It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
• It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
• While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
• You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".
• Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
• It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
• No one may spit on the sidewalk.