Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

- Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."

- Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
→ The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."

"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."

"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom... "I thought the Yankees would..."

"NO sports talk... That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"

"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.

"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Osama asks, "And what do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Which bird ran for President?
→ H. Ross Parrot

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

• "Husseinfeld"
• "Mad About Everything"
• "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• "Suddenly Sanctions"
• "Allah McBeal"
• "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
• "Matima Loves Chachi"
• "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
• "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
• "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
• "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• "Achmed's Creek"
• "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
• M*U*S*T*A*S*H
• "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
• "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
• "When Kurds Attack"
• "Just Shoot Me"
• "My Two Baghdads"
• "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
• "Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
• "Totally Clothed Baywatch"