Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all, both Florida and Louisiana have oil.

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter

Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
Gary Hart

My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant

Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!
Mayor Marion Berry

Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.
Marv Albert

Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.
Warm personal regards, Newt

Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford

Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole

Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Michael Jackson

Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!
With sympathy, Rob Lowe

Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

Dear Mr. President: We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"

Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?"
"Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
→ Insert Bill here.

Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!