Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships?
→ So the sailors can see their air force!

Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
→ She sucked as an intern!

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Money burns a hole in my pocket...how about yours?
Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
Money is the root of all bills.
Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love.
Money Talks - and it usually says NO!!
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
This country has the best politicians money can buy.
Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of....
Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C.
When money talks, it usually says "Bend over."
You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
Alimony? ...sounds kind like all yer money
No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
16. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
17. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
18. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
19. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
20. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
21. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
22. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
23. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
24. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
25. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
26. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
27. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
28. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
29. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
30. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
31. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on FOXNEWS?
→ It is a no spin zone

What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?
→ "They are both stuck-up cunts!"

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says "Give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!... Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13. "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."
14. "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
15. "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
16. "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
17. "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
18. "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."
19. "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater."
20. "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."
21. "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
22. "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."
23. "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."
24. "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."

and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998...

1. "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."