Random joke from this category
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."
One day Clinton goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, and much to his amazement, he finds a red ring around his penis. So the next day he goes to his physician and the doctor says, "I cant figure out what it is. So I'll give you some medicine, and if it doesn't work, come back. Ill give you something else." So clinton takes the perscription and takes the pills as directed and comes back in 2 weeks. The physician then hands him a different prescription and he comes back in 3 weeks this time. Then, instead of giving him a prescription he gives him a small tube-like capsule. The doctor says, "Rub this around the offending circle and come back tomorrow." Clinton returns the next day and starts shouting, "Wow! That stuff was terriffic doc! What was thast concoction? It worked great!"
The docter then calmly replied; "Lipstick remover."
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...
And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
One gay man says to the other, did you hear Newt Gingrich is coming out?
"Really?" the second gay man says, "that's amazing!"
The first gay man says, "yeah we're lucky, he's only coming out of Congress, would you wanna sleep with him?"
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."
Fargo, North Dakota:
A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public.
"Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday.
Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.
The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm.
It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice??
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
