Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

There were:

• No Taxes
• No Debt
• Plenty buffalo
• Plenty beaver
• Medicine man free
• Women did all the work
• Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"

"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

- And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

- Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?

- Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks outside, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads "I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".

Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Do you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."

Bill sighs "bad I guess".

"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...

What's the awful news?!"

The FBI agents look at each other...

"The hand writing was Hillary's"

Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?
→ They both have, "incert Bill"!

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
→ To keep his ankles warm.

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

How does a Russian commit suicide?
→ He smells his armpit

How does an American commit suicide?
→ He tells this joke to a Russian.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"