Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops."

It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go."

• Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
• Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
• Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
• Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
• Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
• Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
• Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
• Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Did you hear what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her dress?
→ What, doesn't the White House have any club soda?

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

What does Bill say to prospective interns?
→ "Haven't I cum across your face before?"

They just found out Clinton's been stuffing turf in his underpants.

They're for grass roots support.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
→ Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.

I don't know what to do.

Signed Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"