Ouch — most viewed jokes

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside?
→ A cockroach.

How do you get Visual Aids?
→ From a nasty poke in the eye.

- First cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night?

- Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper!

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds?
→ Half a cheetah.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

In memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?
→ Lefty.

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's house apart!"