Ouch — most viewed jokes

- I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased!

- But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife."

Both men ran away.

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." "That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"

- Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured.

- Well, how bad is it? Can I see?

- Follow me, sir.

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"

The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please."

They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.

Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"

- No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me.

Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.

- Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?

- Not your child, sir. Follow me.

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.

- This is your child, Mister Smith.

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse than this!? But... It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."

- Sir, it's deaf.

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

"Where the hell am I?"

A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."

"Well, what the hell happened to me?"

"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"

The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."