Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.

"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.

"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby."

"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned. "My baby already has a FIRST name!"

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right!" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so!" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!"

What did the mother ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
→ Spook when you're spooken to.

What's another name for an parent?
→ Someone who's stopped growing except around the waist.

- Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I leave the table?

- Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your supper.

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PBandJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander said to his mother.

- The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me.

- Why?

- Firstly, you're 35 years old. Secondly, you're the principal.

Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says ... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"