Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.

As they got in the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."

Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:

"Dear Mom,
While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love,
Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love,
Mom."

- Son: What is an autobiography?

- Father: Er, the story of an automobile.

- Papa, who was Hamlet?

- You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was.

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down - "honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!"

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
→ An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Janet came home from school and asked her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer.

"No," said Mom. "It's glue."
"I thought so," said Janet.
"I wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."