Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating "Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating "Oh, I need a man. Ohhh, I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams "I GOT IT !!!!!!"

JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING "OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE"

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

- Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?

- Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

- Dad: Why is your January report card so bad?

- Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'"

Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But that's just what I did, mommy."

Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage.

"Sir," he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and"

"See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."

- Big Brother: That planet over there is Mars.

- Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.

NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and two days later sent him home with a ransom note. His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"