Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

- You can't have any more chocolates tonight. It's not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach.

- Oh, Mum. I promise I'll lay on my side.

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."

He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"

The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..

"I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"

He paused...

"I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said - "Mommy, where's my booger?"

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.

Her four year old son quickly responded with, "So you can still breath when you pick your nose!"

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"

"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.

"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"

"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."

- That's right.

- Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.

- Well, today is his birthday.

A little boy came running into the kitchen.

'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face'
'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father!

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because he's only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

"What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?" "Umm, well that was before he got circumcised."

Real Mothers . . .

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."