Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"

Her mother replied, "Of couse it is, dear."

The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"

Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, "I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"

Her mother replied, "No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

- Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

- Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

- Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

- Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

- Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

- Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails?
→ He cut all his fingers off!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

- Da-ad...

- What?

- I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

[Five minutes later]

- Da-aaaad...

- WHAT?

- I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??

- I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!

[Five minutes later]

- Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...

- WHAT??!!

- When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Mom's Brownies Recipe...

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

• 1 cup sugar
• 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
• 1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

One boy said, "My father is better than your father."

The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

The first boy paused and then replied, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."