Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

Who Has The Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing... I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

- Mother: Why was the phone busy all night?

- Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.

This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)

MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday.

- How lovely!

- Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

- Mom: Joe, time for your medicine.

- Joe: I'll run the bath then.

- Mom: Why?

- Joe: Because on the bottle it says "to be taken in water."

"Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

"If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."

"Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"

"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

"Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

"As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress, young man!"

"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

"Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

And the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

"All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

When is a parent like a child?
→ When he's a miner.

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time..."

"I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"