Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

- First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh my priest!"

- Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!"

- Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
→ Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"

"Ask your mother," he replied.

"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."

"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it?"

One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "Mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

"I pissed out a bullet."

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "Mom mom guess what, I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy and said "Mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "Let me guess, you pissed out a bullet."

"No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"