Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did the boy with a long tongue and big lips say to his mom as he was masturbating?
→ "Look Ma, no hands!"

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.

Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans "I want a bike, I want a bike."

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"

"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."

"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"

"Shhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"

"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"

Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.

"Look out dad, she's backing up!"

Four men are golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully "My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house".

The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car". The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami."

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami."

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
→ When you see teeth marks.

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.

Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.

And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

A young girl is speaking with her father.

- Daddy, what's that between your legs?

- That's my hedgehog.

- Wow, it's got a massive cock.