Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

Top Holiday Traditions In The Military

9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
10. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
11. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
12. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
13. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
14. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
15. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
16. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out
17. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.

"Are you hurt?" asked another.

"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper, "Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar."

Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled, "Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing about you!"

Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
→ A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start their new submarine.

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....

A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army.

"My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier.

"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.

"You could if you could lie as I do."

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.

When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.

"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane."

"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!"