Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!! I'm just wearing his hat!!"

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!"

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
9. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
10. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
11. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
12. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
13. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
14. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
15. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!"

The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself."

"By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."

When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."

Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"

"I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."

It was the age when knighthood was in flower.

A young lady was pounding away at a piece of iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first one answered, "I'm making socks and sweater for some soldier boy!"

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"