Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The Marine said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"

He then approached a second Marine. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the Marine's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The SgtMaj replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

The SgtMaj smiled, "Oh, when I die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now!"

What do you call a dentist in the army?
→ A drill sergeant!

What do you call a guard with a hundred legs?
→ A sentrypede.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
→ God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

At a lesson in topography a soldier was asked: "What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that object on this map?"
"That object, naturally."
"What makes you think that?"
"'Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we can't see that object even at day time."

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
→ A guard dog!