Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.

How could Will Rogers say:

- I never met a man I didn't like?

→ He never had to date one.

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
→ surname

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful? - God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God, - the man says - why did you make her so dumb?

- So she would love you. - God replies.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
→ Because they're all pigs.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
→ A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
→ This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
→ Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
→ Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
→ Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
→ Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
→ Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
→ Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

My husband has never given me an orgasm.
→ The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.