Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
→ He throws his kisses.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
→ Who cares?

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
→ Slow.

Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

She has a thicker moustache than you....

When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole....

Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin....

At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno....

At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan....

She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her....

She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

How many men does it take to mop the floor?
→ None, it's a women's job.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.

The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"

The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller."

The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."

The dentist said, "Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller."

The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."

The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"

The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"

The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
→ A power failure.