Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the King finally spoke out.

"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not even a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so!

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?

- Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

• She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
• She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
• She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
• She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
• She retains more water than Lake Superior.
• She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
• She buys you a new T-shirt - with a bulls-eye on the front.
• You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
• She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
• She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.
2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.
3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.
4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.
5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.
6. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.
7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.
8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.
9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.
10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.
11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.
12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.
13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady...not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.
14. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

Conversation over dinner:

- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?

- Man: Of course I do.

- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- Man: (makes audible groan)

- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- Man: Where else would we sleep?

- Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

- Woman: - - - silence - - -

- Man: Oh Shit.

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.