Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.

He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
→ Because men keep telling them that this...|<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
→ The top of her head.

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.

Staring at him in disbelief she asks, "What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!"

He says, "Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?"

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

What is the difference between men and women?
→ A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!