Random joke from this category
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.
These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year." "Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
How are men and parking spots alike?
→ The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find out whether computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:
The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:
What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman who won't do what she's told.
How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
The Bachelor Diet
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombers sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...
In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
