Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
   a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
   b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
   c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
   a) Whisper back "I love you too".
   b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
   c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3. After you have made love to your wife do you?
   a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
   b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
   c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4. If you break wind during the night do you?
   a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
   b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off.
   c) Blame her and give her a boot.
5. If she breaks wind do you?
   a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
   b) Clout the bitch.
   c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro. Do you?
   a) Close the door quietly and clear off.
   b) Join in and stick it up the negro's arse.
   c) Dowse them both with petrol and set fire to the cunts.
7. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and she's in the bath. Do you?
   a) Go next door and use theirs.
   b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the shell".
   c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings taking off.
8. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
   a) Wait until next week.
   b) Wank.
   c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the Ribena ad.
9. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
   a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
   b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
   c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get pissed.
10. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
    a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
    b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
    c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.

30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
→ Because he's plugged into a woman!

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
→ 1. No mind 2. No business.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

What food best describes a man?
→ Jerky

How is a man like a snow fall?
→ You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

What is a man's best friend?
→ His dick because it always sitcks up for him.