Medicine — most viewed jokes

What do you get if you put your hand down a psychic's pants?
→ Your palm red once a month.

What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?
→ A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

How do dentists become brain surgeons?
→ When their drills slip.

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery."

So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

- Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

- Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

- Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

- Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

- Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

- Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

- Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

- Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

- Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

- Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

- Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

- Pizza Man: I don't think so.

click

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S

- What's that?, the patient asks.

- It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.

The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes."

- Why only pancackes?, asks the patient.

- They're the only thing that will fit under the door, the Doctor answers.